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Johnny took his elderly
parents to Butlins, Skegness, for a 'holiday from hell'.
Here are the gory
details:
TUESDAY 9TH MARCH
04-THURSDAY 11TH MARCH 04
POP BOOKED US FOR A 70's BREAK. I'D ALWAYS
BEEN A FAN OF THE SWEET, SLADE AND T.REX, BUT WE SOON FOUND OUT
THAT THE 70's PART OF THE DEAL WAS REFERING TO THE AGE OF THE
CAMPERS! ALARM BELLS SHOULD HAVE RUNG WHEN WE POPPED OVER TO GOREFIELD
TO LOOK AT THE MAGAZINE THAT HAD ADVERTISED THE BREAK.
AS I TURNED EACH PAGE, A COMMON LINK WAS QUITE CLEARLY BECOMNG
VISABLE....'OLD PEOPLE'.
THE 'YOURS' MAGAZINE WAS A PUBLICATION FOR PENSIONERS!
'COME TO SKEGNESS, BUTLINS FOR OUR 30TH BIRTHDAY PARTY', THE BANNER
HEADLINE READ. 'YOU WILL BE ENTERTAINED; WE HAVE A TRIBUTE TO
THE BEVERLY SISTERS, MAX MILLER AND SONGS FROM WORLD WAR 1'. IT
CERTAINLY WHETTED THE APPETITE.
OUR JOURNEY STARTED ON TUESDAY 9TH MARCH
2004, THE WEATHER WAS CLEAR, BUT NIPPY, OVERCOATS WERE THE ORDER
OF THE DAY, SCARVES, WOOLY HATS, FUR MITTENS WERE OPTIONAL EXTRAS
THAT ONLY I HAD SEEM TO HAVE GONE FOR.
IT WAS ONLY A COUPLE OF HOURS TRAVEL BEFORE WE REACHED THE LINCONSHIRE
COASTSAL RESORT OF SKEGNESS.
INSIDE THE ENORMOUS 'SKYLINE' ENTERTAINMENT
CENTRE, WHERE YOU WOULD NORMALLY FIND JUGGLERS, CHILDRENS ENTERTAINERS,
PUPPETEERS, DISCO DANCING AND THE LIKE, IT WAS NOW TRANSFORMED
IN TO A MECCA FOR THE THORA HIRD FAN CLUB!
STAIRLIFTS-RECLINING BEDS- WHEELCHAIRS-INCONTINENCE
PRODUCTS-ZIMMER FRAME MANAFACTURERS-SAGA HOLIDAY REPRESENTATIVES-ALL
STOOD TRYING TO FLOG THEIR PRODUCTS.
POP WENT TO 'CHECK-IN' HE EXCHANGED PAPERS
AND BEEN ISSUED WITH TWO SETS OF KEYS, NOW THE FUN HAD JUST BEGUN!
WHOEVER DEVISEDTHE NUMBERING SYSTEM FOR
THE CHALETS MUST HAVE BEEN NUMERICALLY DYSLEXSIC.
WHEN POP GOT THE KEYS, THE MAN TOLD HIM, 'YOU'LL FIND YOUR ROOMS
RIGHT NEAR THE SKYLINE CENTRE'.
WE DROVE FOR ABOUT TEN MINUTES DOWN A LONG WINDY ROAD, WE EVENTUALLY
REACHED THE OYSTER BAY CAR PARK, KINGFISHER BLOCK.
OUR KEY NUMBERS WERE 114-115. THE ACCOMODATION
WAS ON TWO LEVELS, WE CLIMBED SOME RUSTY STAIRS TO FIND THE FIRST
ROOM- 111. WE WENT PAST THAT, BUT THE NEXT ONE WAS 211!
100 NUMBERS HAD BEEN MISSED OUT. WAS THIS THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE
OF LINCOLNSHIRE?
WE CAME DOWN THE STAIRS TOTALLY CONFUSED AS THE COLD WIND WHIPPED
AROUND OUR EARS. IT WAS INTERESTING TO SEE OTHER BEWILDERED PENSIONERS
IN OUR SAME PREDICAMENT, I WONDERED IF SOME MIGHT EVEN BE FOUND
DEAD THE NEXT MORNING, STILL CLUTCHING THEIR KEY FOBS AND OVERNIGHT
CARRIER BAG'S.
AFTER A FURTHER 15 MINUTES OR SO WE EVENTUALLY
FOUND OUR ROOMS 114-115, JUST WHERE YOU THOUGHT THEY WOULD BE,
NEXT TO 223!!
I WENT BACK TO THE CAR, NIKI AND MA WERE
EAGERLY AWAITING NEWS.
'DO YOU LIKE WALKING AND CLIMBING HOLIDAYS?' I ASKED.
MY MUM AND DAD HAD TAKEN EVERY PRECAUTION WHEN PACKING FOR THIS
FOUR DAY BREAK, BRINGING THEIR TOASTER, MICROWAVE AND ABOUT TWO
WEEKS WORTH OF SHOPPING AS WELL AS A LARGE SUITCASE.
WHAT WE NEEDED NOW WAS A TEAM OF SHERPAS
TO GET ALL THIS STUFF UP TO BASE CAMP 2. IF THIS WAS A GIG IT
WOULD BE ONE OF THE WORST UNLOADING POINTS EVER, ABOUT A QUARTER
OF A MILE FROM OUR ROOMS UP TWO FLIGHTS OF METAL STAIRS!
WE FOUND A BACK ENTRANCE WHICH CUT THE HIKE
DOWN TO ONLY ABOUT 100 YARDS OR SO.
AFTER ABOUT 17 TRIPS TO UNLOADTHE CAR (THE MICROWAVE REMAINED
COVERED WITH A PICNIC BLANKET), WE CHECKED OUR MAP OF THE SITE
AND FOUND WE WERE POSITIONED AT THE MOST WESTERLY POINT POSSIBLE.
WE WERE ABOUT AS FAR AWAY FROM THE MAIN CONCORSE OR SHOPS AS WE
COULD BE, ANY FUTHER WEST AND WE WOULD HAVE BEEN IN THE SEA!
ME AND POP DECIDED TO TAKE BRISK WALK AND FIND OUT HOW FAR WE
ACTUALLY WERE FROM CIVALIZATION.
IT TOOK ABOUT 10-12 MINUTES AT SPEED, WE HAD TO CUT THROUGH OTHER
ACCOMODATION'S GARDENS AND GRASSED AREAS. IT FELT LIKE A NORTH
POLE EXPADITION WITH FORCE 8 WIND'S ROLLING OFF THE SEA.
WE EVENTUALLY REACHED THE SKYLINE CENTRE, BOUGHT SOME POTATOES
AND TOILET ROLL, THEN WENT FOR A QUICK FRAME OF SNOOKER.
WE MADE OUR WAY ALONG THE TARMAC ROADWAYS LEADING TO THE HOLYGRAIL,
THE GREENBAIZE SNOOKER HALL. BUT DISASTER STRUCK! THE HALL HAD
BEEN CLOSED DOWN, THEY WERE RE-CLOTHING THE TABLES!
WE GOT BACK TO THE CHALET WITH TEARS IN
OUR EYES, BUT THERE WERE MORE TRYING MOMENTS TO FOLLOW.
NIKI WAS BUSY TRYING TO WORK THE COOKER, THE PROBLEM WAS YEARS
OF KNOB TURNING HAD VIRTUALLY ERASED ALL THE LITTLE SYMBOLS THAT
YOU NORMALLY FIND ON WHITE ELECTRICAL GOODS, THERE WERE NO CLEAR
INSTRUCTIONS VISABLE. SHE HAD SHUT THE DOOR FOR SEVERAL MINUTES
WITH THE KNOB HOPEFULLY SET TO 'COOK'. IT WAS OPENED SHORTLY AFTER,
BUT SMOKE BILLOWED OUT, THE GRILL HAD BEEN ON! I WENT NEXT DOOR
TO OUR ROOM TO LOOK AT OUR COOKER, AND FOUND INSTRUCTIONS PINNED
ON THE INSIDE TOP CUPBOARD DOOR, JUST WHERE YOU'D THINK OF LOOKING
(THE SAME BLOKE WHO DESIGNED THE CHALET NUMBERING MUST HAVE BEEN
GIVEN THIS JOB TOO!).
THERE WAS A FURTHER DILEMA WITH THE 'COMPREHENSIVE' INSTRUCTIONS,
THEY ONLY SEEMED TO COVER THE GRILL PART OF THE OPERATION. THIS
LEFT YOU WITH A 50/50 GAMBLE OPTION ON HOW THE OVEN ACTUALLY WORKED.
IT WAS GUESSING TIME.
OUR GAMBLE PAID OFF, AND WE ENJOYED A LOVELY MEAL, BY WHICH TIME
MA HAD A BAD TURN AND WAS LOOKING VERY POORLY. SHE WENT TO BED
AND SLEPT. NIKI SAID SHE WOULD STAY IN THE CHALET AND GRANNY SIT,
WHILE ME AND POP WENT TO SEE KEN DODD OR SHOULD I RE-PHRASE THAT
AND SAY WHILE WE WENT TO SIT IN AN OVERCROWDED ROOM, WITH NO SIGHT
OF THE STAGE AND LIMITED HEARING OF THE JOKES OF KEN DODD.
WHEN WE GOT INTO THE MAIN ENTERTAINMENT
CENTRE OF THE SKYLINE COMPLEX, 'STAGE ONE' WE MANAGED TO GET TWO
'EMERGENCY' SEATS RIGHT AT THE BACK OF THE VENUE, BUT AT LEAST
WE COULD SEE THE PERFORMANCE AREA.
WE SAT AND WAITED FOR OVER AN HOUR FOR THE 'KING OF COMEDY', AND
WHEN DODDY HIT THE STAGE JUST GONE 10PM A LOAD OF OLD CODGERS
WALTZED IN FROM NOWHERE RIGHT IN FRONT OF US!!
ALL WE COULD SEE WERE THE BACK OF PENSIONERS HEADS.
AS THE SHOW WENT ON AND ON AND ON, SO SOME OF THE CROWD STARTED
TO DRIFT AWAY, NO DOUBT NEEDING THEIR DOSE OF SANATOGEN, COD LIVER
OIL SUPPLIMENTS AND TO EMPTY THEIR INCONTINENCE PANTS.
I ASKED POP IF HE HAD ENJOYED THE SHOW, HE SAID SOMETHING THAT
YOU MIGHT THINK WOULD HINDER ANY LIVE PERFORMANCE, 'I COULDN'T
SEE IT OR HEAR IT, BUT IT WAS OK'.
BACK TO THE CHALET BY 12.30AM. MA UP AND
ABOUT AND FEELING A BIT BETTER.
WEDNESDAY 10TH MARCH:
HAD A GOOD NIGHT SLEEP, WENT NEXT DOOR FOR PORRIDGE AT 8.15AM.
BY 9AM IT WAS SNOWING!
PAUL AND KERRY SHOULD BE COMING UP TODAY TO PLAY SNOOKER.
AT 9.30 ME AND POP DROVE UP TO SEE IF THE GREENBAIZE WAS READY
FOR ACTION, NO IT WAS NOT!
IN THE MEANTIME PAUL HAD DRIVEN TO THE MAINGATE, I HAD TOLD HIM
THAT THEY MIGHT HAVE TO PAY A SMALL FEE IN ORDER TO COME INTO
THE COMPLEX, BUT THE BUTLINS SYSTEM WAS MORE CLEAR CUT THAN THAT.
THEY WERN'T COMING ON FULL STOP!!
WHETHER HE PAID OR NOT.
IT MEANT WE WOULD HAVE TO TAKE A TRIP INTO
SKEGGY TO FIND THEM. THEY CALLED ME ON MY MOBILE PHONE TO SAY
THEY WERE AT DUNES BAR ON THE SEAFRONT.
WE FOUND THEM QUITE EASILY, IT WAS NICE BAR OVERLOOKING THE WILD
SEA, WITH, IMPORTANTLY TWO DECENT POOL TABLES. WE ENJOYED SOME
DRINKS AND SEVERAL GAMES ENDING WITH PAULS SUGGESTION OF 'KILLER
POOL', WHERE YOU PUT MONEY IN A KITTY AND LOSE LIVES FOR MISSING
SHOTS. PAUL AND POP WERE THE FINAL TWO, WITH THE YOUNG ONE WINNING
THE HUGE £6 PURSE.
KERRY WAS FEELING HUNGRY, AND SAID SHE WOULD LIKE TO SEE OUR ACCOMODATION.
WE HAD ENOUGH FOOD AT THE CHALET TO KEEP A SMALL AFRICAN VILLAGE
RUNNING FOR A FORTNIGHT, SO WE DECIDED WE'D HAVE TO LEAVE PAULS
CAR IN THE DUNES CARPARK AND SMUGGLE THE YOUNGSTERS IN MINE.
WHEN I LIFTED MY BOOT PAUL SAID, 'WHATS THAT UNDER THE PICNIC
BLANKET?'
'OH JUST A MICROWAVE' I REPLIED WITHOUT BLINKING AN EYELID, AS
IF IT WERE THE ITEM THAT EVERYONE TAKES ON A 4 DAY BREAK TO BUTLINS.
AFTER SOME CONTORTION WORK ON THE PART OF KERRY AND PAUL THEY
WERE EVENTUALLY IN PLACE UNDER COATS, BLANKETS TO BE SMUGGLED
ON TO THE COLDITZ OF EAST LINCOLN....BUTLINS!
MY PALMS GREW SWEATY AND HEART SKIPPED BEATS
AS WE APPROACHED THE GUARDS OFFICE, WHAT IF HE DECIDED TO CONDUCT
A STRIP SEARCH ON OUR VEHICLE? WHAT IF KERRY SNEEZED AS HE WAS
CHECKING MY PAPERWORK? THERE WERE MANY PITFALLS AND LADY LUCK
HAD TO BE ON OUR SIDE.
I TOLD POP TO ACT NORMAL, AND SIMPLY HOLD OUR KEY FOB UP, NICE
AND CLOSE TO THE WINDOW SCREEN.
THE WEATHER WAS SURELY ON OUR SIDE, WINDY AND WET, THE FAT GUARD
WOULD JUST WANT TO STAY IN HIS CONTROL BOX AND FINISH HIS POT
NOODLE.
WE SWEPT THROUGH THE GATES WITH OUT A HITCH,
LUCKILY TUBS HAD ELECTED TO MUNCH HIS NOODLY SNACK INSTEAD OF
CONCIENCOIOSLY INSPECTING MY CAR.
AMAZINGLY WE GOT STUCK BEHIND A TRACTOR
PULLING A HEAVY LOAD, AND WERE REDUCED TO AN EXCRUTIATING 5MPH.
POP HAD BEEN IN THESE STICKY SITUATIONS BEFORE BEING A WORLD WAR
2 VETRAN, AND HE STARTED COMMONTATING AS IF WE WERE POW's IN STALAG
17. 'THERE'S A GUARD OVER THERE, BY THE TENNIS COURTS, HEADS DOWN,
GROUP OF RED COATS EMERGING FROM THE DRY CLEANERS'.
THE 10 MINUTE JOURNEY SEEMED TO LAST AN
HOUR, BUT WE EVENTUALLY MADE IT. I PULLED UP, JUMPED OUT, AND
QUICKLY SCANNED THE LANDSCAPE, POP CREATED A DIVERSION BY DROPPING
HIS KEYS AND PAPERWORK AND NIKI PULLED THE INSIDE LATCH TO RELEASE
THE BOOT MECHANISIM.
PAUL AND KERRY KEPT THEIR HEADS DOWN, THEY
WOULD BE EASILY SPOTTED AS ALIENS IN THE 'UP YOURS' WEEK. KERRY
DECIDED IF SHE WAS CHALLENGED SHE WOULD PRETEND TO BE AN ALBANIAN
ASYLUM SEEKER WHO HAD SIMPLY 'STOWED AWAY' IN THE BOOT OF A FORD
MONDEO, BRINGING WITH HER, HER PRIZED POSSESSION, A MICROWAVE.
WE HAD A NICE LUNCH AND WHILST SITTING AROUND
WE WORKED OUT THAT BETWEEN THE TWO ROOMS WE HAD: 12 BEDS! 18 CHAIRS!
3 TOASTERS- 3 MICROWAVES- 2 TELEVISION SETS-4 LARGE SOFAS- AND
TWO DINING TABLES, WE COULD HAVE EASILY OPENED UP A BRANCH OF
COURTS AND HAD ENOUGH STOCK FOR AN AUGUST BANK HOLIDAY!
PAUL HAD TO WORK NEXT DAY SO THEY WENT OFF
HOME AT ABOUT 6.30PM.
MA HAD ANOTHER BAD TURN, AND RETURNED TO
BED, POP TOLD US NEXT DAY THAT SHE HAD BEEN PASSING OUT IN THE
NIGHT, AND HE COULDN'T GET TO A PHONE AND KEEP HER HEAD UP, AND
WAS IN A BIT OF A PANIC.
IT WAS DECIDED THAT SHE'D BE BEST OFF AT HOME AND SEEING THE LOCAL
DOCTOR AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.
SO ON THE THURSDAY MORNING WE PACKED UP
ALL OUR BELONGINGS, MICROWAVES, TOASTERS ETC ETC.
AND HEADED BACK FOR GOREFIELD.
THE
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